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Joke of the Day

"It's so cute. My kids always say ""I want to help you, Daddy!"" because they don't know the word ""hinder""."

"You know how dolphins rape a lot? They do it on porpoise."

"[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?"

"Why are indecisive miners the worst? because all day they deal with ores."

"Teacher: Look at the state of the school computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in it! Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at all."

"What kind of wine does ISIS drink? White Infidel."

"I got arrested for running out of gas on the highway. I told the cop I was on E."

"My mind has been wandering so long, we're pretty much in a long-distance relationship."

"A facebook friend posted, ""I'm not ashamed of Jesus."" It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, ""Uh oh. What did he do now?"""

"I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit."