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Joke of the Day

"Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say ""when"" and starts grating cheese on my salad I say nothing Room fills with Parmesan No one survives"

"Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side."

"Somebody please tell ugly girls with opinions that nobody is listening."

"When life gives you dilemma make dilemma-nade"

"Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are left on a deserted island, Who survives? America."

"Two peanuts were walking down the street. And one was As-salted."

"When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever."

"A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower."

"WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie"

"If you're going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty."