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Joke of the Day

"""Oh my god, you've gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?"" - my mother"

"what type of music does a balloon hate? Pop music"

"Have you heard about the one about suicidal procrastinator He lived a long healthy life."

"What do they call Bro Chads in the U.K.? ......Bloke chaps. Play me off Johnny!"

"Dating Tips. C all her 69 times a day. R ing her doorbell and hide. E avesdrop by phone tapping. E ye her bffs. P oke her on FB."

"I'm making a device where if you push an already lit elevator button, you get Hepititis C"

"Why do women wear makeup and perfume? because they're ugly and they stink."

"I'm not stalking you. I'm trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04."

"I call my Asian friend Spongebob Because he's yellow and can't drive"

"I have a bad feeling I'll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way."