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Joke of the Day

"New Knock-Knock joke? Child: Knock Knock Grandmother: Who's there? Child: [Insert Name] Grandmother: [Insert Name] who? Child: Oh no! You have Alzheimer's! Yes? No?"

"I'm under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that's how weather works."

"I don't know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have."

"Hey babe , there is a party in my pants! And URINE.................Vited!"

"What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual? One's crack is in a junkie and the other's junk is in a crack."

"[magic show] MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card... ME: Your VISA card MAGICIAN: God dammit!"

"It's not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones I had to show my contempt by grunting"

"I lost my virginity when I was in high school, which was awesome... however I was home schooled."

"I pulled a real douchie move this morning... your mom's vagina has never been happier."

"Fifty Shades of Grey. In anticipation for the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, many theaters have installed more powerful ventilation systems to compensate for the smell."