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Joke of the Day

"ME: I hate the Kentucky Derby. You get all dressed up and excited and the whole thing only lasts 15 seconds WIFE: Oh is that right"

"When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny."

"How do you make a cat bark? Drench it with gasoline, drop a lighted match on it... Woof!"

"why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism"

"- You are more attractive when you don't wear glasses -You too, when I don't wear glasses"

"I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting "" Help, shark! Help!"" I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him. Heard from my 10 year old cousin."

"Why are haunted houses so noisy in April? That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!"

"How do you disappoint a redditor? <removed>"

"What is Tom Brady's favorite opera? Deflatermaus! (Die Fledermaus!)"

"BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet. ""It was always huge & full sized!"" said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache."