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Joke of the Day

"Damn, girl are you Twitter? Because I can't stop staring at you and saying stupid things."

"I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to play on my drums. I also learnt that my neighbour has Tourette's."

"I honked at the funeral procession out of SUPPORT"

"Sorry for not ever wearing a shirt but my father was killed in one and I'm not about to make the same mistake."

"How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One - they are quite efficient and not very funny."

"Dark jokes are like Malaysian Airlines flights They're either hit or miss."

"Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry gave you a tan."

"During agricultural revolution canines... ...became dogmesticated. AHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHa"

"*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don't try anything stupid."" *Tries to put a fork in a light socket* ""Hey! What did I just say""!?"

"Always respect a woman and never call her a bitch unless, you know, you're telling her to get you a sandwich."