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Joke of the Day

"*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don't try anything stupid."" *Tries to put a fork in a light socket* ""Hey! What did I just say""!?"

"Amy Winehouse's final album was ""recorded before her death."" Thanks for the clarification."

"I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working."

"I saw a synopsis and some abstracts shot down in a hail of bullet points. I guess it was a summary execution."

"Guess who I saw today? Everyone I looked at."

"alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I'm batman."

"Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook."

"Mormon women Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!"

"A man is put on trial for committing mass genocide against the people of Scotland. It looked like he would be in prison for life... ...but he got off Scot-free."

"""Go ahead, caller. . ."" ""Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I'd like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?"""