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Joke of the Day

"If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I've used up my ten free New York Times articles."

"I like short jokes."

"My girlfriend and I had a threeso last night... It's like a threesome but it didn't include me."

"My mom got one of the bracelets that help you with balance, so I pushed her into the shelf at walmart. It doesn't work."

"If God doesn't believe in himself... Does that make him an atheist or does he just have low self-esteem?"

"I know a guy who refuses to use anything except paper money. But he says he's trying to change."

"The D word that everyone's been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently. Aaaaand there's HR calling me. Brb."

"What do wives and shingles have in common? if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's."

"Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?"

"What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company? One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors."