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Joke of the Day

"I make out with guys that wear Abercrombie & Fitch cologne because it rubs off on me & I love how it smells, but shopping there is SOOO gay."

"It's amazing how few people list ""The Hospital"" as their emergency contact."

"Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep."

"I'm off to pick the kids up from school. Before their parents get there."

"The answer to the question, ""do these jeans still fit"" depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point."

"How do you propose to a stoner? Marriage ya wanna?"

"My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods."

"Most people think it is perfectly okay to recharge a battery. I think it's revolting."

"I can hear music coming out of my printer... I think the papers jammin' again"

"I don't always eat breakfast... But when I do, I prefer ""dos eggies."""