43875

Joke of the Day

"Dear bed, I'm SO sorry I left you. I don't know what I was thinking. Please take me back."

"The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in."

"Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping."

"What do elephants say as a compliment ? You look elephantastic !"

"Why was the ukelele teacher put in jail? Becuase he was caught fingering A minor."

"I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything."

"What do you call it when you give chairs to the poor? A Chair-ity!"

"A wannabee client asked me to find her a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan for $900/month. ...then she added ""Oh, I have a 60 pound dog, too."" I politely replied: ""I don't have a time machine."""

"SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool"

"Cream? Sugar? Fuck you, I want 2 cubes of chicken bullion in my coffee. I've got man's work to do."