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Joke of the Day

"I want to die like my grandfather, softly in my sleep... ...not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"I woke up to the ghost of Gloriya Gaynor in my room last night At first I was afraid, I was petrified..."

"Driver: My God... that weasel... Onlooker: He just went... ""pop""... Weasel's family: *sobbing* Ice-cream man: I've got an idea for a song y'all."

"We could make the world much greener this #earthday if we simply banned red and blue"

"I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow."

"What do vegetables watch when they're feeling frisky? Cornography"

"You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug"

"I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth."

"I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I'm crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you."

"A male feminist walks into a bar. . . Because it was set so low"