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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about that new species of mosquito? It's called the Nickelback, it really sucks."

"What do you call a marine animal who under-performs at the vegetable academy? A C-cucumber."

"Q: How do you make soup gold? A: You put in fourteen carrots."

"Woman goes to the vet because her Great Dane keeps jumping on her when she is in the shower... VET: Ok, so want him Neutered? Woman: No, declawed."

"Do you know why doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis? Because the definition of arthritis is inflammation of the joints"

"My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering)."

"The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open."

"Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can't and they don't, so here we are. Stupid land birds."

"I don't get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary."

"If you watch cinderella backwards its about a woman getting put in her place."