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Joke of the Day

"This is your captain speaking... AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."

"*hears your text message notification beep* *constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*"

"This grocery store is playing ""Freebird"" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey."

"I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room."

"What will Russians be cooking for Thanksgiving...? Turkey"

"My 6 year old wrote a knock, knock joke today. It My son: knock, knock Me: who's there My son: Nobody Me: Nobody who? My son: penis"

"How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana?"

"A Texan says to a Harvard student... Texan: where are ya from? Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions. Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?"

"Bieberohhellnophobia: fear of accidentally listening to Justin Bieber song & not having the ability to rip own ears off #omgfacts"

"This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice."