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Joke of the Day

"I'm worried about Rosemary's Baby. Everyone knows Thyme has been hard on her. (That's right. I do spice jokes. Dill with it.)"

"They say snapple is made from the best stuff on earth... But that's bullshit; I looked at the ingredients, I didn't see pussy or beer anywhere."

"You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male They have a higher rate of penetration..."

"Thanks for the memory I bought a memory foam mattress topper for my bed but I can't remember if I put it on or not?"

"[911 call] ""My hand's stuck in a blender!"" ""Turn it on then."" ""What?"" "" I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."""

"Martin Shkreli's life"

"The only downside of kissing a 10 is How cold your lips get from kissing the mirror..."

"HIPSTER COP: *into radio* ""We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"""

"A friend of mine recently asked me what ballerina's wear... But I just couldn't put tu and tu together."

"A woman I met had 13 children all named David. When I asked her how she calls just one of them, she said, ""Oh that's easy; I just call them by their last names."""