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Joke of the Day

"'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string"

"*Walks into school* Simon says give me your Pokemon cards Ok now close your eyes *Walks out* Kids are so dumb I didn't even say Simon says"

"My friend died of autoerotic asphyxiation... The story is a real tearjerker."

"2012 me can't believe 2005 me actually knew 8 people I liked enough to put in a MySpace Top 8."

"What do you call a Mexican boxing match? Juan v Juan"

"""Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I'll get it"" *she grabs a shirt* ""Hey don't use that!"" *hands her a chip*"

"Why do petri dishes make good conversationalists? They're cultured."

"If you pronounce the word vase like ""voz"" I'm gonna want to punch you in the foz"

"My wife has a shell tattood on her upper thigh.. And if you lay your ear on top of it, you can smell the sea."

"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone."