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Joke of the Day

"""it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?"" yes i am. ... ""but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"""

"Q: Did you hear about the robbery at the flower shop? A: It was a violet crime."

"I just rolled a joint... Now my ankle hurts Edit: You did not expect that!"

"When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn."

"The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma."

"What does Pong and WW1 have in common? It's not about strategy, but endurance."

"Why is Reddit called Reddit? Because you've probably read it before."

"What is soft and fuzzy, and lives in a hole? My belly button lint."

"COP: We have reports of u blasting music. ME: Sorry I'll keep the Metallica down COP: We were told it was Britney Spears ""Lucky."" On repeat."

"I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, ""What do you mean by that?"""