3001

Joke of the Day

"You don't have to speak bird to know that when they chirp right outside your window they're asking for you to kill them."

"What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite movie? It's fucking Frozen!!!!!"

"""you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live"" -how dad signs my birthday cards"

"I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, ""What is commonly found in cells?"" I guess my teacher didn't think ""black people"" was a good answer."

"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"What kind of fence goes on strike? A picket fence."

"What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?"

"Ladies, as you enter this day, remember that one chubby arm photo is going to cancel out the thirty you carefully took of your collar bone."

"Customer: There's something wrong with my hot dogs. Waiter: Sorry I'm a waiter not a veterinarian."

"Sure, but when I pull men out of a hole in the ground it's called, ""homoerotic necrophelia."" Double standard, Chile."