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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending."

"I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea."

"I do not have an obsession with tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up."

"Me and UFOS have something in common! Neither of us look good on camera."

"I won't undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts."

"My boyfriend just texted me, ""We need to talk."" I think he's going to propose!"

"Wife: It's not a chick flick! Me: was the movie released in February? W: yes. M: are they standing back to back on the cover? W: sigh.. yes"

"Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout? Oh... *reaches under mesh shirt* *takes off nipple ring* Better?"

"What is brown and bad for teeth? A brick."

"What kind of sword is good for chopping up young girls? A cutlass."