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Joke of the Day

"I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method."

"When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders."

"The gardener asked me what I wanted him to do, I told him to water the plants... He points and asks ""water these?"", I said ""nah man, *pointing* WATER THOSE""."

"religion? um, ha, no. i'm not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren't usually religious"

"Why did Sally fall off the swingset? Because she had no arms. ""knock knock"" ""whose there?"" ""not sally!"""

"My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek'd PLEASE DON'T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid."

"""Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine."" - Nicki Minaj"

"I vote for less election coverage"

"Sex is like pizza... If you are using bbq sauce, you better know what the fuck you are doing."

"What did the slutty girl buy at the furniture store? One nightstand."