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Joke of the Day

"So we're basically living the plot of ""Contagion,"" but instead of dying girls keep getting bangs."

"What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drone!"

"There aren't enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim."

"My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, ""How old are you?"" I said, ""I'm five."" He said, ""When I was your age I was six."""

"The concept of Santa is great because you can give your kids crappy gifts and they only have themselves to blame."

"What do Japanses pirates do? Fry pranes."

"CW: Why don't you ever wear your hair down? Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So? Me: I don't want to encourage that."

"answer This is too all high school teacher, What is the worst thing that you've seen your student doing?"

"Why does a woman smile when walking down the aisle? She knows that she no longer has to give blow jobs."

"""I wanna fu*k you so bad right now."" ""WHAT!?"" ""Damn autocorrect, I meant ""hey"""