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Joke of the Day

"Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder."

"I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's ""cute"", but when I do it... Everyone is just ""Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"""

"There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours"

"The UK is horrified by even the slightest glaze of snowy weather. I ordered a bowl of Frosted Flakes this morning and they closed the roads."

"Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!"

"What is the sexiest pair of lingerie? Your mother's thigh highs and a Freudian slip."

"I tried pot brownies for the first time yesterday They tasted funny, since you usually cook brownies in a pan instead of a pot."

"It's fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand."

"did you hear about what happened to Nike online shop It shut down by a d-dos"

"Where does King Kong sleep? Anywhere he wants to."