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Joke of the Day

"My wife calls me a ""lazy alcoholic."" Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store."

"I once photographed a high school track team practice for the yearbook.. I guess you could call it *timed laps* photography."

"What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a lake? Bob"

"How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. EDIT: LADDER. I MEANT LADDER."

"Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!"

"It's cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs"

"If you say 'my cocaine' really loudly, you will sound exactly like Michael Caine saying his own name. I will never get tired of this."

"Of course Goldman Sachs called their clients ""muppets"" Some of them ended up living in garbage cans."

"Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter? Because he might fiddle with your kids."

"If I had a time machine I'd go back and give myself a bunch of incorrect lotto numbers, and teach myself the value of hard work."