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Joke of the Day

"I started an alcohol based diet. I feel great! I've already lost 4 or 5 days! Not OC, unsure of source."

"CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom? ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small"

"YO MAMAS SO FAT WHEN SHE WEARS A RED DRESS ALL THE KIDS SCREAM LOOK ITS THE KOOLAID MAN y"

"Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN! Him: Just ignore him. Me: I'm trying! Him: I was talking to the dog..."

"What did the bra say to the hat? you go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."

"When I sing with my headphones in I think, ""Why don't I have a record deal?!""...Then I take them out and I know why."

"How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out."

"Just had to gently break it to all these girls in Starbucks that they are not Zooey Deschanel."

"Did you here about the guy who's whole left side was cut off? He's all right now."

"[Jedi Academy] Why do you want to be Jedi? [Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army] To keep the peace"