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Joke of the Day

"Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet."

"Really? EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting?"

"I'd sit on Ellen Pao's face... ... Just so I wouldn't have to look at it."

"[Darth Vader storming through the Death Star turning off lights, mumbling about we ain't lighting the universe]"

"How do you titilate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot."

"What's the difference between the Hillary Clinton and a piece of fruit? The fruit can only get so rotten."

"Why are tennis equipment factories so loud? Because everyone's making a racket."

"""Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest"" - T-Rex singing ""Head, shoulders, knees and toes""."

"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it... We went out and had drinks. Cool guy, he wants to be a web designer."

"So is the Pope like... single now?"