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Joke of the Day

"1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom. 2. Whisper, ""Oh no, not again..."" 3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor."

"What language do Fed-Ex drivers speak? Parcel-tongue"

"My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I've ever purchased."

"It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks."

"What do you call 2 lambs dating? A relationSHEEP."

"Some women have names that simply demand respect. The few. The proud. The Maureens."

"I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between."

"My girlfriend has lost all feeling from her waist down.... what an insensitive cunt."

"All the toys in Toy Story are pervs Their whole world and life revolves around being played with by little kids."

"Don't think of me as 40. Think of me as two 20 yr olds."