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Joke of the Day

"My Gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes."

"The girl in the kitchen is cooking dinner When dinner didn't arrive on the table, they looked in the kitchen. They didn't find anything but Tara-gone."

"I've been so drunk that homeless people give me their footlong sub. When they give it to me they whisper, ""Get your shit together, rookie."""

"*pretty girl walks by and doesn't make eye contact* She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1"

"The greatest plot twist of all time is in the Bible where, halfway through, God suddenly turns out to be nice."

"After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey... ...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die."

"Ladies: The ""silent treatment"" is not a punishment. Try the ""sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment"" instead."

"What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman."

"What do you call a gay avatar? A bender."

"I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away."