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Joke of the Day

"How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so....."

"Eight. It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. This leads me to believe that if I was a guy the sex would be horrible"

"I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me."

"Drinking on Tuesday because I'm consistent."

"If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works."

"How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away its USB cable."

"A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you ""I'm drunk"" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying ""I'm delicious"""

"[deathbed] Son....come closer ""Yes dad?"" We need a new man of the house ""I'd-"" *presses fake mustache into his hands* Give this to your sister"

"I just saved 57 dollars on my groceries without a single coupon. Self checkouts are awesome."

"Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen's house."