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Joke of the Day

"When other parents at the playground ask me things about my baby I say, ""I don't know. I just kidnapped her."""

"Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night? Because he was resisting a rest."

"*at waffle house* ""do you want bacon or sausage?"" 'YES'"

"Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase... ...so I could unzip your genes."

"What is a pedophile's favorite guitar chord? A minor"

"No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything."

"How to Keep an Idiot in Suspense - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ... I'll tell you later."

"So I'm banging this chick and she looks back and me and says, ""DADDY I'm CUMMINGGG"".... So I say ""Hi Cumming, I'm Dad""."

"GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google ""woman stabs"" and see how many stories come up."

"If you're ever wondering what I'm thinking, there's about a 96% chance I'm thinking about what & when I'm going to eat next."