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Joke of the Day

"Laughed hysterically and said ""Oh yes, please do"" after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him."

"My girlfriend asked me the other day, ""Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?"" I said, ""I'm sorry, I don't follow you."""

"Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom."

"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory... All I did was take a day off."

"House Hunters: We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287."

"Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets."

"Imagine a world without pizza. No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I'M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I'M SORRY"

"My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it's not what it looks like"

"What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes? Social netwerking"

"*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?"