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Joke of the Day

"My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn't matter to anyone else."

"[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on"

"Here at Time Warner Cable we know that sex is an important part of a relationship. So we try to fuck you as often as possible."

"I'm in Southern Texas ... ... and it's so hot here, the trees are fighting over the dogs."

"What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli."

"A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'"

"The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. It was tense."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To see its smelly friend Knock knock Whos there Chicken!"

"Expecting a person of a certain race to constantly be commenting on their race is also a kind of racism."

"Say what you will about us hypocrites, but the standards we claim to have are WAY higher than yours."