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Joke of the Day

"today I matched speeds with a car on the highway so I could make eye contact with a dog in the backseat"

"I don't post for the karma."

"I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control."

"""Are you working right now? Where are you working?"" Facebook is worse than my parents."

"My daughter has reached that age... My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked, ""Is that the best you can do?"""

"Ever hear about the Mexican Train Killer? I heard he had locomotives."

"""Here, let me fuck it up for you."" - Every kid ever"

"You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets."

"If my iPod doesn't work in the next few minutes, I'm throwing it in the river. It can either sync or swim."

"Why do Trumpler supporters think he's honest? He told them he would be ""fourthreich"" and they misheard."