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Joke of the Day

"DR: Are you sexually active? ME: Very DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn't count ME: Still yes DR: Neither do croissants ME: Then no"

"If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."

"Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies."

"I have something to say to anyone who has more than one Bachelor Degree That's a bunch of B.S."

"I have literally never seen a mattress store with customers in it"

"Sometimes ""I'm single"" means ""I'm drama free"", ""less stressed"" and ""I refuse to settle for less."""

"DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can't see you right now ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome"

"I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup"

"I was walking down the street the other day when a man threw some cheddar at me... ... I said ""Well, that's mature!"""

"TIL Lebanese people are from the fugawi tribe. When they walked out of the airport they said we're the fugawi."