191566

Joke of the Day

"Whats the difference between a mosquito and your mom? The mosquite stops sucking when I slap it."

"Pyramid schemes... Wrong on so many levels"

"*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*"

"What do Italians eat on Halloween? fettucine afraid-o"

"The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans."

"""What're you in for?"" ""I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it."" ""We've all been there, brother."""

"I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. Complete waist of time."

"""GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE"" KID: *goes kicking and screaming* TEEN: You can't do this, I have plans tonight ADULT: Thank you so much"

"""When I learned how to edit videos I felt like the Flash..."" Friend: ""Why, because you fast learner?"" Me: ""No, because I fucked up the timeline."""

"You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job."