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Joke of the Day

"Boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once"

"What does music have to do with safety? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat."

"Being married to a photographer is depressing... ...they're always looking at the negatives."

"Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't Budget<drops mic> Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem."

"What do you do when you see a black man lying on the floor? You stop laughing and shoot him again."

"Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s."

"Today my girlfriend said she loved me more than anything else, and didn't know what she'd do without me. It's the nicest thing any of my imaginary friends have ever said to me."

"Damn girl, are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up."

"How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake."

"Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don't know what either of those things are."