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Joke of the Day

"friendship is so weird.. you just pick a human you've met and you're like ""yup I like this one"" and you just do stuff with them"

"Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant."

"To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?"

"I drop kicked a Japanese woman today After holding the door open for her, she said to me ""Sank you"" How dare she bring up Pearl Harbor like that after my nice gesture!"

"What were the last words Jimi Hendrix said before he died? *S'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...*"

"What's the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas? I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth."

"Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, ""We've been expecting you."""

"How does a tree access the internet? It logs on."

"I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story."

"Booster cables are racist Because being black is negative."