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Joke of the Day

"Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?"

"Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend's son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father."

"How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you? Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?"

"The average American male... has a 5"" penis but says it's 7"". Anyways, close enough....or a perfect 5/7 story?"

"Your honor, I second that motion Judge: Ma'am, I'm simply reading your husband's request to be cremated"

"Watson was incredibly horny.... Watson was incredibly horny and had a fetish for intelligence. So he tells Sherlock this joke and ""blows"" his mind."

"If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap."

"Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives."

"You know why you can't scare a gay guy? Because they're not fucking pussies"

"The difference between ""like"" ""love"" and ""in love"" is the same as the difference between ""for now"" ""for a while"" and ""forever"""