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Joke of the Day

"How do you get 100 babies into a bowl? A blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips"

"Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard? Because he's no good at shaving."

"so there's this group of people who are protecting a van they call themselves the Vanguard"

"Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?"

"When someone stands next to me at the urinals, I can't pee because I'm nervous they'll see the kitten I keep in my pants."

"[at home on video conference call] Yeah boss I don't know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad. *pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*"

"Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure... but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s"

"A horse moved next door to me yesterday. I heard that they make good neighbors."

"When i used to work for walgreens and the security system would go off the employees would say ""run!"" I guess it was the running joke."

"during my morning commute i like to make the ""roll down your window"" gesture to the car next to me then yell ""DID YOU POOP YET TODAY?"""