179121

Joke of the Day

"What do you call the student with the best overall average in a graduating class at an all girl's school? vulvavictorian"

"It's a sad day when you watch National Geographic and realize oysters have a better sex life than you."

"A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing."

"Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook."

"[One to tell militant women]: how many women on their period does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [Meekly] ^just ^one..."

"What's the hardest kind of waffle to find? A Carmen Sandy Eggo"

"Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM."

"Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud."

"How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to fix the bulb and one to hold the penis. edit: LADDER I MEANT LADDER"

"My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like, ""You're five years old? When I was your age, I was six"""