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Joke of the Day

"My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument."

"Me: promise you won't show anyone? Him: promise *sends pics H: that's pics of fruit snacks M: you said you wanted pics of my goods"

"Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand..."

"Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested. Put her head right through the drywall. Goddam cheap motels."

"YOLOUYAB You Only Live Once Unless You're A Buddist"

"What idiot decided it should be my foot's asleep instead of coma toes?"

"If being a success was a sound, I bet it would sound a lot like this air pump I'm using to inflate my new furniture."

"Why don't pedophiles win marathons? They're always coming in a little behind.."

"Nothing like wearing a pair of crocs to say ""I have no aspirations of getting laid tonight!"""

"Whenever I'm watching paint dry I like to listen to James Bay ... Just to really complete the experience"