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Joke of the Day

"*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!"

"How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books? Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"5,""So we don't get to open any presents today?"" Me, ""No."" 5, ""So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"""

"I got this hot blondes phone number today! Im starting to think i should cause car accidents more often."

"PRO TIP- Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half"

"Me: Wanna go out? Her: You're not Black Me: I'm Jewish. We've been persecuted more than them. Her: ... Me: That's not why you like them?"

"Did you hear about the Easter Egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs"

"What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroking Off!"

"What do you call a porn site for celeb lookalikes? Doppelbangers"

"What do you call a negative antelope? A Cantelope."