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Joke of the Day
"Here, take my advice. It's not like I'm using it..."
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"Where do they send female terrorists? Guantanamo Bae."
"What is the difference between a epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhea? The epileptic corn husker shucks between fits."
"A better name for everything bagels would be '3-5 things bagels'"
"It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim"
"I was going to make a subreddit about middle children today, But then I realised everyone would just forget about it."
"Everything happens for a reason. But, sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions."
"If PETA is upset about Lady Gaga's meat dress, wait until they hear about what people do to that stuff in restaurant kitchens."
"Me: I just need some time alone, please. *closes door* - Ma'am, if you're not trying on clothes, we'll need you to leave the dressing room."
"Who is a chemist's favorite Game of Thrones character? Stannous Baratheon."