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Joke of the Day

"Double standard - bear breaks into girl's house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear's house, we write a children's story about it."

"*sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] ""no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"""

"What do you call a sleeping pizza? a *piZZZa* haha someone pls date me"

"Holy Communion: PRIEST:""This is the body of Christ. Take it "" ME:""Uum,can I instagram it first?"" *We laughed & then I was excommunicated*"

"Why doesn't Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney."

"Him: God you smell good, what is that? Me: chicken nuggets"

"My mom let the street raise me, which is why the only things I'm really good at are letters, numbers, and talking like Cookie Monster."

"I see. You're the ""don't pigeonhole me"" type. Got it."

"What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?? Quarter pounder with cheese"

"""Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.""-You, counting your lucky stars."