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Joke of the Day

"If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you what have you usually done wrong? Made her chain too long."

"*rubs magic lamp*rubs harder and faster*genie semen sprays everywhere*"

"""It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,"" I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library"

"So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? ""Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."""

"Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long if you're fat."

"You haven't mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it's about them"

"I've got an Uncle Rube. I mean he's really my mother's sister's roommate's friend's hairdresser's step-dad, but the effect is the same."

"How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife's clothes"

"What's a 6.9? A good time ruined by a period."

"California legalized marijuana I guess they had a high voter turnout."