169205

Joke of the Day

"Star Wars: The Force Awakens comes out this week. I predict someone will shoot up a theater Don't worry though, it'll be a storm trooper and he'll miss everyone."

"Ironic! That even if Oscar pistorious is found not guilty .He still won't walk free"

"[in car with wife] ""did you take $20 from my purse?"" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*"

"Sex with an optometrist can be so tedious... ""better this way or that way? This way or that way? This way or that way? ..."""

"What kind of sex do boring people have? Banal."

"[Donald Duck opens gift] Daisy: It's pants. Try them on! Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN"

"Why aren't marriage prevention hotlines a thing?"

"there there son *crouches down & wipes his tears* its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil-- YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911"

"A rich kid sees a poor kid kicking a can down the road The rich kid says ""Hey, you, what're you doing?"" The poor kid says ""Moving."""

"I contemplated suicide earlier. Then I thought about homicide. Finally I thought f*ck it, I hate crosswords, I'm off to the pub."