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Joke of the Day

"If I had 3 wishes I'd spend them on my daughter. Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll."

"My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream ""three-way"" ice cream & I'm not sure I'll correct her cuz I'm a horrible person & it makes me laugh."

"I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macrame plant hanger."

"The bassist walked past the bar."

"Dodger Stadium announces they are now offering a limited edition Duggar Dog... The wiener is so big you can share it with your sister."

"[plumber] well here's your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet* [magician] it was like that when I bought the house"

"Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future."

"So Lady Gaga wears a tin foil hat and sings with Elton John and people clap I do it and you're all ""This is Barnes and Noble, please leave?"

"Why don't ghosts like rainy days? Because it dampens their souls!!!!"

"One guy says to another Guy 1: Dude one time I stuck my dick in a brownie Guy 2: Bro that's just wrong Guy 1: Yeah, I know. You can do time for statutory."