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Joke of the Day

"Whats the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman? You get pussy and head at the same time."

"Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut."

"Been watching television without eating. I feel like I'm working."

"Poker Face. But I barely know her!"

"*walks into door on street, looks around* Whew...no one saw me... One year later... *watching TV* *sees self on Funniest Videos*"

"Don't call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet."

"I got into a heated debate with my friend about time travel... We really opened a can of wormholes."

"You know what the best thing is about being a narcissist? Me."

"Why don't you see blind people skydiving? Because it scares the fuck out of the guide dogs."

"What is the difference between an amateur archer and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit... The other hoots but can't shit."