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Joke of the Day

"APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: ""We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What's yours?"" ME: ""I write and want to dir--"" ""GUNSHOT*"

"I was so hungry when I had breakfast today. It was the first time I had ate all year!"

"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Idea"

"How do you start an earthquake in East Africa? Shake Djibouti."

"Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late."

"Why are people pissed off that Justin Bieber smoked some weed? It's not like he released another album or anything."

"What do you call a police officer that stays in bed all day underneath the blankets? An undercover cop!"

"My friend asked me to make a joke about Yttrium. All I had to say was ""Why?"""

"No offense, but I'd only circle half the globe to be with you."

"How can you tell if someone is Italian? They'll tell you."