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Joke of the Day

"Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we're going."

"Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway."

"How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter? Don't worry, they'll let you know."

"When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? Lone Lee."

"*gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*"

"When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?' She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long"

"I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard."

"When going through TSA inspection at the airport, there's no telling how long it will take... ... All belts are off ."

"Budweiser should spend less on advertising and more on making their beer not taste like skunk butthole."

"The dalai lama walks into a pizza parlor... And he asks the cashier to make him one with everything."