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Joke of the Day

"A CW pronounces both ""r""s in February, both ""d""s in Wednesday and has just told me the ""correct"" way to say segue. Please send weapons."

"Why are Jedis allowed to use negative numbers? Because only Siths deal in absolutes."

"My roommate said I might be schizophrenic. But what does he know I don't even have a roommate."

"""I'm usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you'll find that I'll really open up."" -Automatic sliding doors"

"Does liking a sad status update mean I'm sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad?"

"It's not true that a married man will live longer than a single man It just seems longer"

"Got my wife an educational toy. It's a dildo that speaks Spanish. Rapido Rapido Rapido."

"I'm feeling sluggish No one pour salt on me."

"You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What's not to like about birthdays?"

"I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead."