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Joke of the Day

"I'm putting together a mail-order-bride catalog featuring poor desperate American women looking for a way out...I'm calling it Facebook."

"If con is the opposite of pro... ... then congress is the opposite of progress."

"What'd they call that place with the collection of escape artist memorabilia? now museum, now you don't"

"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 Aye Matey!"

"Hippies say the darndest things... What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job? Namaste (pronounced:nah I'ma stay)"

"Florida lawmaker Randall Thompson is forced to resign after it is revealed he spent taxpayer money on expensive footwear for his wife. I guess Randall mishandled his panhandle sandal scandal."

"Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out"

"""I ate pizza twice today!"" - Cuba Gooding, Jr. (I mean, why not? Can you prove he didn't say this? Fuck you.)"

"I accidentally killed a squirrel when I prepping the campsite. It was unin-tent-dead."

"What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps."